PHH won't dig on swine this Cinco de Maio!

The guardians of the Progressive Happy Hour are also explorers of the various conspiracy theories that have existed on this planet since the dawn of time (7 days, my tuchas! Do you really want to know how long it took the FreeMason to create the earth? It will blow your mind! All will be revealed! But I digress...)

The current great conspiracy to invade us is Aporkalypse Now. Our first sign that this was coming should have been the various religions that avoid eating pork. Then of course there was the outbreak of hotdog vendors at ballparks, attempting to seduce us with their siren calls of 'ge'cha ho'dawgs 'ere!' For those not aware, these so called 'hot... dawgs' carried with them experimental x factor swine flu virus strains or the potential antidote! If one purchased a hot DOG, you would have the mutant strain which transformed eater into swine, a 'hot dawg' carried a normal strain of the swine flu. Peanuts and cracker jacks were coated with the experimental immune strain. Vendors saying 'ge'cha' were agents of the cabal to cut down the swine population! They would target individuals in the stands they saw as 'douchebags' over zealous sports fans who would be heckling their team. Vendors declaring 'buy your hot dog' were part of the pharamaceutical militant industrial complex experimenting on human jocks who had taunted them in high school and college.

But again, I digress! Look at what the swine flu did to Clint Eastwood and Morgan Freeman in the old west documentary UNFORGIVEN! At the begining of the documentary, Will Munny is a simple pig farmer, having given up his wicked ways to raise a family among pigs. However, his wife was taken from him by the pigs and soon the pigs are infected with a flu. Will Munny falls into a pile of pig poop with infected pigs... and then... goes hunting down Gene Hackman's undeserving sheriff, Little Bill. That's right: the swine flu infected Clint, turned him back into a killing machine, seeing dead people with worms eating in their eyes, avoiding free love prostitutes, and "I've killed women and children. I've killed everything that walks or crawls at one time or another. And I'm here to kill you, Little Bill, for what you done to Ned." True story.

Let's not forget the prophetic George Orwell article where he uncovered the experimentation being down on the Animal Farm, where pigs were being turned into rulers of other animals, and then transformed into men! He was warning us, as with his fable, 1984! (who knew he was a few decades off)

But truly, the most prophetic words of the oncoming Aporkalypse and warnings to avoid comes from this messenger of god, Jules:

Vincent Want some bacon?

Jules No man, I don't eat pork.

Vincent Are you Jewish?

Jules Nah, I ain't Jewish, I just don't dig on swine, that's all.

Vincent Why not?

Jules Pigs are filthy animals. I don't eat filthy animals.

Vincent Yeah, but bacon tastes good. Pork chops taste good.

Jules Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eatin' nothing that ain't got sense enough to disregard its own feces.

For more information to protect you and your loved ones from the aporkalypse, please join us at the Community Health Forum at Red Rock Tavern, tonight at 9:30pm, 395 Capitol Avenue, Hartford CT. To protect you from an outbreak, curly fries coated with immunity strain seized by the PHH agents will be on hand. Dine well, but don't dig on swine.

Enjoy Cinco de Maio, and beware the aporkalypse!

This has been a message from the Ministry of Mediacrity