PHH: ... BUT WAIT... THERE'S MORE!!!

Billy Mays in The Office
by Frazer_James

PHHers! HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?!?
HAVE YOU GOTTEN UP IN THE MORNING, THINKING "OH, ANOTHER HUMDRUM DAY AT WORK?" SO YOU GO TO GET UP AND REALIZE, "WAIT, I'M DEAD!! WTF?!?! WHO CAN I TWEET TO GET ME OUT OF THIS MESS? AND MICHAEL IS DEAD TOO? WELL, THAT'S GREAT! HIS DEATH WILL OVERSHADOW EVERYONE ELSE!! MARK SANFORD CAN APPRECIATE THAT, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US THAT ONLY WANTED AN EXTRA DAY OFF, NOT AN ETERNITY! WHAT ABOUT THE REAL ISSUES IN THE WORLD, LIKE IRAN, HONDURAS, UNSAFE FRENCH AIRLINES? IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD HAVE BOUGHT THAT WOULD HAVE SAVED ME!!!"

BILLY MAYS' HERE FROM THE DEAD ZONE. IT'S A REAL PISSER. YOU WAKE UP AND YOU SEE THESE DAMN INFOMERCIALS ON THE TV WITH SOME YOUNG ANNOYING JACKASS SLAPCHOPPING PEOPLE AROUND AND WIPING IT UP WITH SOME SHAMWOW AND YOU'RE LIKE, DROP DEAD YOU PUNK! INSTEAD, IT HAPPENS TO YOU. I WAS THE FREAKING PITCH KING, BABY! ORANGE GLO! C'MON, IT WAS ORANGE AND IT CLEANED THINGS UP! THEN YOU HAVE THAT MOMENT OF CLARITY IN THOSE FINAL STEPS TOWARDS THE LIGHT:

Wait, this is it? This is what we're living for: hours upon hours of recycled electronic images & voices blaring at us the 'BREAKING NEWS' that broke 3 days before, updating with every unnecessary piece of plastic minutaie being thrown at you hardball by pitchmen who don't even believe in this crap but hey they need to make a living too. In the end, all that crap will remain on the earth, these rebroadcasts bouncing around the airwaves, polluting it for millenia while we disentegrate and despair from the minds of all eventually our loved ones forgetting us and moving on, waiting for the return of King Zombie Jackson to raise the dead with him to rule the world. And what about love...?

huh? what, St. Peter? FARRAH FAWCETT IS UP HERE TOO? BUT HAVE YOU SEEN HER LATELY? HUH? GOD DECIDED TO GIVE HER FORMER YOUTH AND BEAUTY BACK?!?! SWEET BABY JESUS! WHERE SHE AT? huh? JESUS HAS GIVEN UP HIS SEAT FOR MICHAEL? GET OUT! JIMI HENDRIX IS THROWING A PARTY IN HIS HONOR AND IS PLAYING HARP! HEY, THIS MIGHT NOT BE SO BAD AFTER ALL! AN AFTERLIFETIME SUPPLY OF BEARD TRIMMING! Niiiiice! THIS IS AN OFFER EVEN I CAN'T PASS UP!

BUT HERE'S MY FINAL PITCH TO YOU:
PROGRESSIVE HAPPY HOUR IS ON TONIGHT TO HONOR THE LIVING AND THE DEAD! RAISE A PITCHER OR TWO OF RED ROCK ALE OR HOOKER ALE OR YOUR DRINK OF CHOICE.

BUT WAIT, THAT'S NOT ALL:
FILL UP THE TABLE AND WE GET NOT ONE, BUT TWO FREE PLATES OF CURLY CAJUN FRIES, FRIES SO NICE WE NAMED 'EM TWICE.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE:
GET THERE IN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES AND YOU'LL BE TOO EARLY, BUT GET THERE IN THE 5 MINUTES AFTER RICH GETS THERE AND HE'LL BUY YOU 2 PITCHERS OF BEER ON YOUR CREDIT CARD. SO DON'T DILLY DALLY! GET DOWN TO THE RED ROCK!

SO REMEMBER, GET DOWN TO PROGRESSIVE HAPPY HOUR
TUESDAY, JUNE 30, AT 9:30PM, AT RED ROCK TAVERN (FORMERLY KNOWN AS KENNeY's, as seen on tv on Judging Amy), at 395 CAPITOL AVE., IN HARTFORD. THIS OFFER IS ONLY GOOD EVERY TUESDAY. BUT YOU MUST SHOW UP WITHIN THE FIRST 5 MINUTES OF HELDER'S ARRIVAL FOR A FREE PITCHER OF BEER. WHEN WILL HE GET THERE, WHO KNOWS?!!? THAT'S THE MAGIC.

ACT NOW! LIMITED TIME OFFER. VALID IN THE FAIR CITY OF HARTFORD, CT ONLY.


--
Helder Gomes Mira
www.mirahartford.net
www.rabbitearsmedia.com
Rabbit Ears Media, LLC
From 'Action!' to 'Cut!', Full Digital Video Service from Hartford to the World

"If I can't dance - I don't want to be part of your revolution" -Emma Goldman