PHH: Kill Your Television

If you're like me, you've no doubt noticed that something has happened in the past month that has you worried, confused, tired, and gassy.  The teevee is out of entertaining things!  Seriously...where the hell have our stories gone?  No more "Cops and Judges" or "Slutty Doctors."  No "Detectives with Gravitas" or "Real-Time Torture Hour."  Not even any new "Dysfunctional Animated Family" or "Uncomfortable Mockumentary."  C'mon!  I'm in need of seeing some David Caruso sunglasses over-acting just before The Who kick the door down with a theme song!  I wish my day began with Roger Daltrey screaming at me!

No, instead, the overlords of our mush-braining box have decided to phone it in and spoon-feed us any ol' reality concept that the first failed writer can chuck their way, because obviously our realities are so lame, we need other realities to make our pitiful lives worthwhile.  Without fail, these shows can be boiled down into one of three categories: 1) Celebrities Acting Stupid, 2) Look How Shallow People Can Be, or 3) Talent Show For People Without Enough Talent To Succeed Without A Talent Show.  Every so often, we'll be subjected to a show that combines all three: the elusive and can't-miss Shallow Celebrities Talent Show.  Or, you can drum up an audience for a really boring "slice-of-life" show that nobody was watching by having the main people wind up being sleazy and adulterous, like when Jon & Kate cheated on 8.  Or something.  Anyway...scandal!

If the network execs have a goal of getting us to poke our eyes out with hot sticks, they're getting pretty close.  What, am I going to have to go outside in the evening warm weather and do things to entertain myself?   What is this, Communist China?  GIVE US SOMETHING TO WATCH, PLEEZ!  Maybe "I'm a Guantanamo Terrorist Survior Idol, Get Me To Kansas, Starring Paris Hilton"??    Ah, screw it.  What's the address for Hulu?

Well, I just got word of a Reality Show I can get behind!  It's called "Progressive Happy Hour" and there are open auditions happening in Hartford!  Tonight! Beginning at 9:30 at Kenny's Real World House (C/O Red Rock Studio & Soundstage).  There will be several events:  The Great Curly Fry Staredown, The Amazing Pitcher Race.  America's Got Ketchup Art!  Over-the-top personas required.

--Seacrest Out