PHH:You're Next, Andy Richter

Gah! There's so much going on! Iranians are taking to the streets in
the biggest and longest PHH in years! Terrerists who want to come to
YOUR house and eat YOUR family are being released to eat gourmet iced
cream and get full body massages at Club Med! Newscasters are being
very careful when they pronounce "Uighurs!" Every important woman in
our government is breaking bones due to "falls," and "walking into
doors." And tyrannical ninja president Obama killed a fly, live on
television, without chopsticks!

But all these juicy topics will have to take a backseat today as news
arrived overnight that the country...no, the world...has lost our
Ultimate Sidekick, Sir Edward McMahon. Sadly, the famous alcoholic
celebrity, known best for sitting on a couch and belly-laughing and
agreeing with people, has passed away at the ripe-old age of 86,
leaving a gaping hole in our culture. Who will Search for Stars now?
Who will clear the publisher's house and find gigantic $10 million
checks to disperse amongst the populace? And who will assist Dick
Clark in scouring the earth for the finest in bloopers and practical
jokes? It is a sad day indeed. Now we have nothing left but to count
how many political cartoonists pay poignant tributes by drawing Ed
with angel wings introducing Johnny or God or someone in heaven.
Either way, the word "H-e-e-e-e-e-ere's" will appear often during the
next few days.

Ed McMahon burst onto the scene when fellow dead celebrity Phil
Hartman lampooned his most famous catch-phrases like "YES!" on the
Saturday Night Live Variety Show back in 1958. "Yes" indeed, old
friend. That mean old Johnny Carson would make fun of your drinking
or your string of divorces (even though Carson had more! True fact!)
or your wild incontinence whenever Dom Deluise would show up. But you
kept a smile on through it all, because that was your job goddammit,
sitting over on that couch just barely out of frame, and you did it
well.

Sidekicks today morn the loss of their prototype. From Burt Ward to
Ron Weasley. From Garfunkel to Sideshow Mel and even Xena's
"companion" Gabrielle. Everyone agrees that Ed McMahon WAS the mold
for sidekicks everywhere, including the one from T-Mobile, and though
they tried, nobody since has been able to completely fill it.

So long, Ed McMahon. You lived the true American Dream by getting
famous without really doing anything exceptional at all.

PHH will salute sidekicks everywhere tonight by raising many steins of
Ed's favorite beverage giving a "HeyyyyOoooohhhhhhhh!" shout in
tribute. We will be eating the hell out of delicious curly fries
while laughing heartily to anyone who happens by with a joke. The
merriment commences around 9:30 pm at the Red Rock Tavern (formerly
Kenny's) in Hartford. YOU are correct, sir.

--Number 2