So our hero, communist nazi president Obama ran all the way to fancy Denmark last week in a race against the physically-fit presidents of the freedom-hating countries of Japan, Spain, and Rio. It was an Amazing Race, like that reality show, Big Brother, but here, the first prize was the obligation... no, the OPPORTUNITY to build gigantic and expensive Olympic facilities that would never be used again for sports like... hacky sack, surfing, uhhh... space luge, and synchronized drumming, I guess. This, and the winner would get invaded by many corporate sponsors, who are really the only people who care about the Olympics today anyway. But... JOBS! Yes, the prize of the 2016 Olympics would surely save Chicago and the US American Economy from certain Chinese destruction by getting the Chinese to come and do gymnastics instead. But Obama lost since the president of Rio got a head start after Mardi Gras, and was able to pay his bribe to IOC chairman Jacque "Going" Rogge early. This made the Republican Party very happy, because they felt that Rio was a deserving place and encouraging growth of the South American markets would benefit the global community. No, actually, they are slapping high-fives and popping Cristal at this because Obama is a Loser and anything that is bad for America is good for them, so har har har. (Whoopie! Unemployment went up again! More Real Americans out of work! Happy days for the GOP!)
So what now, Chicago? An old and fat 2016 version of Michael Phelps won't be swimming around in your crystal clear waters of Lake Michigan, it turns out. Guess you'll all just have to slump back in that couch and watch your famous talk shows, like Oprah and Jerry Springer. Ohhhhh, what? I'm sorry, I didn't know that Jerry Springer moved his classy literary symposium show to Stamford, CT! Add that to the fact that known staff-banger and extortion target David Letter Man makes his home in New Canaan, Connecticut and it's clear that Beyonce had the greatest video of all time and Hartford should host the 2016 Olympics.
Help celebrate our victory of Olympic defeat tonight at Progressive Happy Hour! Donny will light the torch in an elaborate ceremony at 9:30 pm at the Red Rock Arena and Kenny's swimming cube. 369 Capitol Ave. in Hartford de Janeiro. The competitions commence with a pitcher relay and fry javelin forthwith. Corporate sponsorship required for entry. We will discuss how the *Summer* Olympics can be held in the Southern hemisphere, if it's really winter there in the summer.
Ever think of that Rio?? Duh!
--Juan Antonio Samaranch
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