PHH: Rod Serling would be very displeased

OK, I've been co-opted to write today's email, here on the week of American Thanks Giving, also on the day before one of the busiest drinking and travel (I mean travel THEN drinking) days of the year, when all of your old high-school classmates get back into town and forget that you all hated each other once.  Alcohol tends to make all those awkward memories melt away.  But instead of many of the fun PHH email topics there could have been, such as "What's in Joe Lieberman's Medicine Cabinet?" or "Filibuster, The Musical!"  I've been asked to skewer the "Twilight" phenomenon.  Which is...um...something, apparently?  Maybe another Twitter? OH!  Inert-nets will tell me.

"Abstinence Porn."

Wait, what??  And this is what the Tweens are going insane about?  Twilight is the most popular thing with the kids since the John Roberts confirmation hearing, apparently.  What ever happened to just having annoying boy bands?  OK, I can do this...deep breath...I'm going to have to dig way down and pull out my mad skillz that I used in 4th grade to pull book reports out of my ass when I didn't read the book.  All I have to do is go watch the trailers on YourTube, which is like the Cliff Notes of movies anyway.

OK.  Once, IN A WORLD, there was a "regular" school where there was a kinda effeminate gothy guy who glowered a lot and there was also a girl who seems annoying.  Neither of them had any pigment in their skin.   The end.  OK, so is the glowering guy an Abercrombie & Fitch model?   No.  He's a modern-day vampire.  Oh, the teenage girls love the Vampires, don't they.  That's why there are lots of movies already made about them, and that's how Bela Legosi became a sex symbol.  Oh, and now we're doomed to about 16 sequels, and since the glowering scenes don't need scripts, they will come out one per month.  Eventually the Jonas Brothers will be in them too with their abstinence sexuality.  Luckily, 13 year-old girls have about a 5-month attention span for anything, so this will go away someday.  Anyway, one sequel apparently just came out.  This one seems to have werewolves, which means the "actors" can walk around without shirts and the movie can make $802 Gajillion dollars.  NOBEL PEACE PRIZE TO TWILIGHT.  I hate you, JK Rowling.

13 year-old girls should be prohibited from holding public office.

That's it.  I can't watch anymore.  Twilight is banned in PHH, forever.  So gather everybody, new and old, tonight at Red Rock Tavern for PHH.  NEW TOPIC: Come up with new tourism slogans for Hartford to replace the "Rising Star" one and "Happening As We Speak."  Practice hiding your discomfort with all the family issues that loom ahead.  Curly fries and pitchers of brew to help ease the tension.  9:30 pm.

To everyone on the list, Happy T-day, everybody.  Enjoy your deep-fried turducken-fauxfurkey or whatever the trendy way to prepare the main dish is this year.

--Tom Turkey