PHH: Decadent December Descends on us.

That's right folks, it's baaaaaaaack. But really, even though it's the last month of the year, does December ever really leave us?

Let's think about this now,

Why only scant moments after the Thanksgiving dinner was consumed, we're off to do our midnight holiday chopping at the big bargain bins of business.

And no sooner is December is over, than we're in January and celebrating a whole new year, and thinking to ourselves (and anyone who stands to close) "Well, a new year to get not screw up as badly as next year. Only 11 more months til next year!"

In February we're cursing the cold, saying, damn, why is a short month so frakking cold? Thanks a lot, December for bringing in the Winter Solstice and having us freeze our tuchas off! (Note: this curse only applies in northern states and countries; those in the south and temperate climates could give a rat's arse about us up here)

In March, we thank mother nature for finally bringing about the lovely spring weather and skies that was brought on by the winter months in December.

April we are reminded of why December is such a great shopping month for gift giving with Passover and Easter where we're all like, Where's the presents, dudes? and you're parents and priests and rabbis would be like, dude, this is about celebrating life and death, not about presents, that's what December's for. And you're like, Bogus, man. This sucks. I wanna be back in December.

Then May comes in all sweet and mild and you really don't think about December, except that its still 7 months away, which is good, cause now the summer is coming, so you're just grateful it's not December.

June brings the summer and it's great until some old tosser says, Yup, it'll be a great summer, that means December will bring a nasty winter. Seriously, dude, you had to start getting all Year Half over on us? You couldn't be like, "Year Half started"? Douche.

July: We're so dreading december that some arsehole came up with the term, 'Christmas in July' so that everyone can feel like they're getting a great deal, but in fact, they're just getting prepared to have all their hopes dashed to pieces. There's no snow in July!! (Note: this does not apply to northern regions of Canada or Antartica)

August gives us those classic heat waves, where you're sweltering and melting and really wanting the wintery coolness of December. In fact, it's so desired that Hollywood tends to release Christmas movies in the summer so that we psychologically already feel cooler! (both Die Hard christmas movies, Batman Returns (Winter themed), Jingle All the Way, etc., etc.,)

September is so boring as school started up again, that all every one wants, from kindergarten to grad school: is the anticipation of Winter Break in December. Marketing has decided that October is now the official start of Christmas season. Halloween just isn't selling anymore so now we must make the Christmas season start in October. Hey, Mary was pregnant for nine months, so let's celebrate all of it. C'mon! Where's your Octoberfest Christmas Spirit?

Crap, we're back to November. Where did the year go? Now all the holiday movies start coming. Turkey's prepare for their last meal. You start making a list of all the things you intended to do this year that didn't get done and how you can do more. If you're insane enough, you decide, now would be the perfect time to write a 50,000 page novel. Sure, that way you can say you at least did that this year before the year is over.

BOOM! Santas everywhere; all the bells are jingling, sleighs magically appear. this is a winter horrorland. We're back in Christmas. Now what, Poindexter? Get them credit cards ready to save the American economy by spending spending spending. People who haven't called you all year are now inviting you to all their winter holiday parties, with the stale invitation of: "We haven't seen you all year!" or "Another year has passed". Really, Einstein? If you really wanted to see me, maybe you'd pick up the phone a few times a year.

Bah frickin' humbug.

Get the party season started tonight at Rudolph's Red-nosed Rockin' Tavern at 369 Capitol Avenue., our fair city, Hartford, CT. Party starts at 9:30pm. Just look for the building with a star shining down on it. There'll be plenty of room in the manger for all of us.

-Krispy Kringled