PHH: The future is unwritten, but the past has a bunch of typos

And so, we have reached the end of yet another year, and to some, it is the end of the decade already! Technically, there is still a whole year left to the decade, but why let that get in the way of the need to review things? Hell, some people are so excited they like to brag about being around for 29 years! Let's face it, numbers 6-9 really do get a raw deal in the way of importance. And so, as we wait for the undead zombie shell that was Dick Clark is fed the life essence of the losers from American Idol so that he may once again appear on New Year's Eve to make a prediction of the year to come, allow us to reminisce about the year that was *dramatic music* 2-zed-zed-9. Or: Ought Nine, Revenge of the Dark Cheney!

2009 started of with a great air of hope and dignity as Americans and the world finally thought they were ridding themselves of some left overs. Sure, they held onto their offices for at least 19 days, but then they were rushed off without a whimper into some black ops helicopters never to be heard from ag--- oh, wait, Dark Cheney just couldn't stay away. Like a bad hemorrhoid, he kept bubbling up every month to remind us he was still the lord of all things paranoid and terror-inducing. It's like... he's torturing us. If it wasn't him, he sent his drone, Liz, in his place.

But we went on, thinking that 'this too shall pass' and our new benevolent overlords would keep us safe from this torture. But then, Vice President Biden would appear and say something... *sigh*

So, we survived this year's wackiness, and it was so wacky that it all blurred together like a... montage! There were people tea-bagging each other in the National mall thinking it was a big thing. Glenn Beck went off his meds and decided that everyone should also, and therefore teabag each other instead of getting socialized medicine. Thankfully, Sarah Palin quit politics altogether and we never had to hear about her or her family ever again this year. Senator Joe Lieberman arose as a national hero and saved us all from uncertain health issues; like a savior, he arose, leading the fight for Medicare than against it than for it than who knows, He just saved us all. Worship at the altar of Joe! Even Joe the Plumber returned victorious as a war coorespondent, telling us what it was like to be in Israel because the newsmedia just wasn't doing it. And Sean Hannity stepped up and took one for the team by allowing himself to be waterboarded to show how it was perfectly safe interrogation technique. He let others do it for him, but he committed to doing it on his television program. Tiger Woods did something... what was it again? Ah, who gives a shit what he did; Golf is boring!

There were of course some sad times. We lost many good people this year... And a lot of people made a killing in their celebrity death pools.

So, let's dust off last year's resolutions and see how we accomplished them. Let's get ready to leap into this last year of the decade and decide how we will be remembered in the future! In fact, here is my prediction: someone will buy a pitcher of Hooker Irish Red tonight at Red Rock Tavern 365 Capitol Ave. Hartford. Gemma will ask us how we're doing and if we're ready for curly fries. Some of us will get there by 9:30 pm, others will arrive before midnight. It'll be cold, so I'll be drinking bourbon. And I will see you tonight at Progressive Happy Hour for one more time in 2009!

-Nastydumbass