"If I can't dance - I don't want to be part of your revolution" -Emma Goldman
"Look out for Number One, just dont step in Number Two!" -Thornton Melon
You are cordially invited to PHH Commencement, held on the Frog Hollow Campus,
Out on the patio of Red Rock Tavern, 395 Capitol Avenue, weather permitting/Inside otherwise
Ceremony begins promptly at 9:30pm on Tuesday, May 19th, 2009
President Kenney will be overseeing events
Deans Gemma and Donnie will be handing out diplomas
Commencement Speaker will be PHH Alum, celebrated filmmaker emeritus, Toby Vaughn, degrees in AFI, ACA, AEG, DGA, PHH, AA, BS, FRAG, and MILF hunting, recently returned from parts unknown after an extended period of obscurity
Prepared speech after the jump:
And so, we have reached a new stage in our lives, where we must go forth into the world and become responsible citizens. For years, you've put this off, first with Middle School, then with High School, then some of you even onto College. Still others dragged it out even more, with Grad School, Law School, etc., etc. But that high living is over now. No more suckling at the teet of student loans, parents, student employment, dorm life, campus food, frat & sororities housing. Time to pay the pipers and man, are they aiming to collect in this Global Economic Downfall. So you've pulled yourself off the couch you collapsed on last night, avoided the pools of vomit and the potentially comatose 1st year who was partying with you, brushed off your cap and gown, and made it to your commencement under an oppressive weather condition (blindly scorching sun or sopping cold rain) that is meant to truly prepare you for the humiliating worker drone life you are setting out for after the long speeches, families thunderously applauding, echoing in your throbbing brainmatters. What was this all for? Was it worth? Can we, the graduates of this school, in this year of our benevolent overlords, truly matter? Make something of ourselves to reflect the learnings and edumacation that our parents sacrificed for us to get; that bitter cynical burnt out professors pretended to care and bestowed their knowledge upon you? Professors who used to be just as idealistic as you until students like you crushed their spirits and they sold their souls for sweet precious tenure? You vow to yourself, as the hangover mixes with adrenaline from the excitement of the moment, people you don't know congratulating you, family members bestowing faith on you, friends promising to keep in touch and 'hooking you up' for old times sake. You'll take that one last summer adventure to get your mind out of mindsmashing studies and bevvy, to transition into the real world (one last delay). Perhaps you'll finally score with that crush tonight before leaving campus because they just broke up with their freshman sweetheart so that it wouldn't hurt more down the road and they really need a friend and your patience finally - sweet victory - pays off. Four years of taunts from your friends as you pined for that crush, four years of meaningless flings with others while they were in sweet sweaty embrace of another, and finally, praise Athena, goddess of knowledge, your learned ways will get them in the sack for you! No, it won't just be that daydream fantasy you would have during film class, longingly staring at them from a safe distance deterimined by the Campus Relations Director. No.. this is for reals. Sweet nothings... no more imagining that 3 tabs of acid really trasformed the professor who picked you up at the bar into your sweet crush. No, my friends... This is it. Your final college success... Before the vicious bitch of reality throws you into the gritty of the actual world and you must now fend for your self and watch all your hopes and dreams dashed to pieces on some violent beach in Portugal where you awaken to find that schooling was all a cruel hoax designed to weaken and soften you for the arrows of the aristocrats hunting us down like foxes for slaughter, hounds on our heels, as we try to run the rat race of the real world, hoping to reach the bottom run of that Jacob's Ladder that is corrupted corporate capitalist life. If your fortunate, you can hang onto that rung awhile, fighting and kicking the slobbering jaws of the hounds as they bite and snap, trying to bring you down into the bowels of America. If you're less fortunate, you actually begin that climb, and as you climb you begin to find hope, begin to feel, yes, you are disproving that assclown commencement speaker, "you will make it; you will survive." You will be a leader in AMERICA! You will succeed.
Only to reach the top and find the true leaders waiting for you to turn you into a slave of a different sort. Those selected will climb newer higher ladders, others will be kicked off at the top rung. And still others, will be sent back to this hell to give a commencement speech.
But heed my words, wisely and remember this adage:
"Would you like to supersize that?"
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