Hey everyone, I hope all you people had a good Memorial Day honoring our Armed Forces past and present by doing your civic duty: driving to your neighbors' fancy beach houses and eating whatever cheez-smothered food happens to fall off their grill awkwardly onto your flimsy paper plate. And some sort of mayonnaise-drenched "salad" be it potato, or some fun-shaped pasta. Because it's officially summer! Only not really. Damn you, science and your "solstices" and "equinoxes." If we Americans say Summer is from Memorial Day to Labor Day, well that's what it is! And you know what? We might as well move summertime Daylight Savings back to begin in February now, just to show Nature who's boss, so TAKE THAT planetary physics and circadian rhythm!
But the important part of the holiday is that you drove somewhere, because American car companies are hurting, and the local news NEEDS to run their story about how it's the busiest travel day of the year (which is also true on July 4th , Labor Day , Thanksgiving, and let's
say Flag Day. News recycling!). This may be the last year that you get to buy a car for the long weekend at your local mom-n-pop Edsel dealership, because they're all being forced to close because of bailouts or something and also we're not buying cars when one would break down every 5 weeks like we used to. Now the car companies have like a month to get Oprah to give away all their cars to studio audiences around the country.
But hey, the government is helping them out by making the US car companies produce more efficient cars. 35 mpg by 2015! They also have to change their names from Chrysler, GM, & Ford to Ford, Fiat, and Toyota, in that order. Well, great. Why don't we just reverse all the work our folks in Detroit have done to give soccer moms 386 horsepowers in Hemi engines so they can cut each other off for the last parking spot at the Costco, hmmmm? We *need* that power, and the
ability to be seated 15 feet in the sky while driving. But no. Apparently, we should have been designing cars that would HURT the only healthy portion of our economy, the oil industry, even though they did us a big favor last year by showing us what it feels like to sell our family heirlooms to afford $5/gal "petrol" like they do in France. THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS they provide us with $2.50/gal prices...it's cheaper than milk, you ingrates.
It doesn't matter anyway. In order to meet the new MPG standards, they're going to have to make all the cars out of tin foil and anybody who drives one will die in a fireball when you rear-end someone while trying to parallel park. Me? I'm waiting for the Joe Biden Stimulus Rocket Train to take me to Al & Shirley's clambake on the shore next year.
So, come take a load off and give your gas/brake operating foot a rest tonight at Progressive Happy Hour. Refill your tank with high-octane beverages and curly fries prepared in OPEC-free American oil. 9:30 pm, at Kenny's Full-Service Fuel Emporium and Red Rock Tavern
Convenience Store, 369 Capitol Ave, Hartford. Come early to pick out your outlet for our plug-in hybrids of the future, and enter a raffle to win a $60 future for a barrel of light sweet crude.
--Racer X
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