PHH: My Independence Seems to Vanish In the Haze
OK, in case you missed it while everyone who you ever liked in your childhood was just dying left and right last week, it was one of the biggest national holidays in our nation on Saturday! That's right, it was the 4th of July, which occurs every year on Independence Day. When we celebrate that time when we evicted the British out of West Philly by blowing things up and eating copious amounts of hot dogs in 12 minutes. America! Eff yeah! And just like all the knock-offs that pop up when something gets really popular (Am I right, Go-Bots?) all the other countries thought it would be great if they had their July 4th holidays right around the same time. France, you may have gotten in early, but you're still a copycat (They don't call it Ba-Steal Day for nothing). Oh and Canada Day...how adorable. Until some blood spills or at least you take the Queen off your money, it'll still be Dominion Day to us. Even Iran is trying to get into the act by electing the CEO of Twitter. What else...Bubbles the Chimp declared independence from Michael (too soon?), and Sarah Palin declared independence from Alaska. Or maybe it was the other way around.
YEAH, ABOUT THAT LAST ONE: In the biggest WTF move by any sentient being ever, Tina Fey impersonator and future ruler of Earth Sarah Palin just woke up on July 3rd and decided to celebrate freedom by dropping out of the job that the socialist Alaska citizens FORCED her to do by voting for her. Because, hey, if you've decided that you aren't going to run again, why not just stop workin' and doin' stuff altogether? That's how it works, right? It's also important to note that the best way to be a leader and foster change in government is to leave a leadership position...in government! But now she is free to go fist-fight David Letterman or whatever and snuggle up with Greta Van Susteren. Read all about it on Quitter...I mean...Twitter. (Or would a Quit-Bull/lipstick joke have been better?)
And when making an important announcement, you should also just confuse the hell out of everybody (including poor Anderson Cooper) by making a horribly obtuse analogy to basketball, as long as you just keep talkin' and sayin' words that may or may not go together to form complete thoughts. So while we wait for her to pass the ball to the hoop for Victory or something like that (are we the hoop? And is Shaquille O'Neal the terrorists? or SOCIALISM?), let's take a look at how good Sarah the Quitter is at following through on things: 4 college transfers. Didn't finish that first term as Wasilla mayor. Didn't finish her term on petroleum ethics panel. And to continue perfection, won't finish this term as governor, just because. *wink*
Anyway, anything negative is all the librul media's fault, The End.
Come complete a term of Progressive Happy Hour tonight! 9:30 PM at the Red Rock Tavern on Capitol in Hartford. Donny and his Freedom Brigade will not be serving incomplete pitchers, no! Unlike some people, they will start pouring, and won't stop until the job is done! Feast on Founding Fathers Fries as we patiently wait for Hartford's July 4th fireworks to begin on July 11th.
--Johnny Tremain
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