All of Taxachussetts lit up this past week with news of their very own famous death of Joe Quimby impersonator Senator Ted "Edward" Kennedy. Now, the people of the "new" version of England must think about who next will fill the role of the Inbred American Meritocracy, since they can't find a replacement Kennedy. Once Caroline Kennedy failed at being appointed senator simply by being a famous Kennedy, and the most famous Kennedy, Arnold Shriver Schwarzenegger "Joe II" Kennedy is ineligible due to him being born a birth-certificate-challenged Kenyan, America's title of "royal family" fell squarely to the slack-jawed yokels of the New Haven area, the Bushes. Jeb's next, y'all! <insert random hoots and firing of weapons into the air>
Speaking of weapons, and specifically these town hall meetings...whose bright idea was it to have all these terrible and stupid things anyway? Fire this person, immediately, forever. This is certainly no way to ram home politically strife-y legislation like Health Care Reform. If the Bush administration taught us anything, there is a three-step process to getting whatever wacky laws (and Wars!) that people might have a problem with passed, and none of them involved going to Jethro and Murlene to ask them what they think about what Fox News told them to say. This is what the Dems should have learned this decade from the Ws:
1) Have adorable and easily repeatable names for the bills. The ObamaCare bill should have been named the "Uncle Sam for American Grandmas' United Act" or the "Healthy Bunny Freedom Preservation Bill for Democracy" Seriously, who would fight those finely named pieces of legislation? The Patriot Act, the Clean-Air Act, Cash for Clunkers, etc. all worked this way.
2) No debate. EVER! Just throw it to a vote before Tucker Carlson can start reaching for a phone with his stubby fingers to call his conservative overlords.
3) If someone does try to debate, call them America-Haters, or Bin Laden Huggers, or whatever, immediately to the first open microphone you can find.
All I want is something to happen so I'll have health coverage when I quit my job and become a wise-cracking drunk who runs around the beach playing games of grab-ass. Or a Kennedy. Same difference.
Anyway, I'm done listening, thinking, and marinading in all this health care garbage. I would invite you all to PHH this week to talk about it, but since this SHOULD be the most boringest topic ever, we should be expanding our minds on more interesting topics. Instead, let's meet tonight at Red Rock Tavern after 9:30 pm and discuss.....<flips open the google>....OMG OMG OMG, you guys!! Swedish meatball purveyor IKEA totally just changed the font in their catalog! And THAT has the World Wide InterOnlines buzzing and FREAKING OUT for some reason! And just in time for college apartment shopping! Now, it's just not as exciting to order that FLÜERKN bookcase with the KLON...wait. Is that a bookcase? Or an end table? And where does this extra part go? Dammit, I grabbed the wrong KROVLECK from the warehouse. Oh Jesus. Just hold that pressed particle board plank for a minute, please? I'm only seeing 23 dowels and 14 cam locks. Bah...just throw a mattress on it and call it a futon.
Fries, Beverages, & GAVØRZN for all font geeks, tonight at Kenny's. 9:30 pm.
-Robert Jack Joe Teddy Shriver Smith Onassis Kennedy
Read more...