Still from Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht (1977, Germany, Dir. Werner Herzog)
Oh... oh no... I... I think it's finally happened.
After weeks of current events, news items, pop culture, Balloon Boys, NPR pledge drives, celebrity deaths, and Sarah Palin poppin her head onto the scene again like a whacked out whack a mole...
I've got writer's blockade. I mean, this is the Berlin Wall of writer's block. Mongolians couldn't get near this great wall of writer's block. The General Lee with Knight Rider's turbo boost couldn't jump over this road block by Sheriff Roscoe Pekoe Trane. There's just not enough in me gulliver for the trapped A-Team to build a battery ram to get out of this writer's block trap! And just in time for a month long session to write a novel for
National Novel Writing Month!
Wait, newsflash! It's Halloween week?! I can totally come up with something for that! Yes, ok... here we go... um...
So there's like a vampire... and he's all like emo and stuff... and he's like y'know, 600 years old, yeah? And his name is like, I don't know... um, Vangelis and he's totally like considered all hot by young women. But he's really into this one girl. She's 15, attending Miss Porters. She's got that angelic blond hair that emo vampires love to sniff. um... yeah... and there should be zombies too, huh? So like, zombies invade Miss Porters, yea, because they want brains, because like, that's where the most brians are, yah... are y'scared yet, because they're coming for all the lovelies and y'know, nothing's scarier than helpless girls in rural boarding schools being invaded by a horde of zombies & vampires! Yeah, yeah, that's it. (Take that stake in the heart, writer's block & Paranormal Activity with your grainy camera.)
And the girl is named... um... Tori or Paris, or somethin'. And there's a soundtrack by Trent Reznor. And the only thing standing between the girls & the zombies is Vangelis, who just really wants to shag Tori or Paris or britney, whatever, and then she turns out to be a vampire slayer as well, so she's brainy & brawney since she also plays lacrosse, so she uses her lacrosse um... stick? to like kill the zombies. Yeah yeah, that's it. And then it's all over and the vampire confesses his love for Tami or whatever, blondie should be called. He smooches her and confesses that his willie might be old, but it could play lacrosse. So Candi tells him to meet her in the dorm's kitchen while she freshens up, gets rid of all the zombie blood & guts & stuff. They quickly forget the other girls who have been zombie victims and such (there's lots of zombies already in Avon and Simsbury and Farmington, so it's easy to not notice a few extra zombies this time of year).
So, while Vangelis who says, just call him Van while he shimmers or glitters like an emo vampire fanboy, sits in the kitchen waiting to get his 600 year old freak on with the sweet taste of Candi, out from where she had entered comes Chris Hansen, from tv's "To Catch a Predator". What are you doing here, he asks Van. "um... I was just helping Tabbi stop the zombie apocalypse. I'm her slaying instructor... I mean, new lacrosse trainer, yeah, that's it." Really? Aren't you here for something else? Aren't you really here to sink your teeth into her succulent neck? "No sir, she invited me. She wanted me to come in, that's the rule with vampires, you can't just enter if you're not invited. And look, I glimmer!" (at which point, Vangelis' eyes twinkled) Are you saying, you're actually gay and into young men? "ummm, no sir Mr. Hansen, sir, not at all. I mean, their blood can be tasty, but realy, much rather prefer that of a beautiful youn... um... I think I should go now." Seriously, Mr. Vangelis, she's 15, how old are you? "Well, sir," confesses Vangelis as he stands before a now trembling Chris Hansen as he notices Van's vampire teeth, "I am 600 years old, so technically, any woman I date would be underaged."
And from behind Vangelis, the young lacrosse star stakes Vangelis through the heart with a sharpened lacrosse stick, which goes through him into Chris Hansen, killing two douchebags at once.
The end of bs vampire stories for now. Perhaps writer's block is why we're being inundated with countless vampire and zombie young adult books.
Come carve a pumpkin, slay a vampire, tell a ghost story, hunt zombies, tonight at the Pumpkintastic Horror Hour at murders at the Rouge Roche Taverne on deCapitation Avenue, in Heart-ford! (Damn it, Simpsons' TreeHouse of Horror makes it look so easy with their horror puns!). Fun times start at 9:30 pm! And we'll leave it there.
Read more...
Posts
