PHH: After Lost

Mr. Mira: Let me tell you what LOST is all about. It's all about this
lost girl that digs this hopeless doctor who shouts and cries a lot.
The entire show. It's a metaphor for being a big dick.

Mr. Skahill: No, no. It's about a group of strangers who were very
vulnerable. They've frakked up a lot of times in their lives. Then
they meet some guy named Jacob who's really sensitive...

Mr. Mira: whoa, whoa, whoa... Time out JJ Abrams. Tell that frakkin'
horse hockeypuck to the Hawaiian tourists who only watched an episode
here and there and didn't know what was going on but were like, cool,
sci fi. 'LOST' is not about this vulnerable girl who needs to save a
sensitive lost fella. That's what "Felicity" is about, now, granted,
no argument about that.

Mr. HOV: Which one is 'LOST'?

Mr. Karma: 'LOST' is that big ass hit for Terry O'Quinn. I don't even
follow this nerd stuff, and I've at least heard of "LOST".

Mr. HOV: Look, scatmuncher, I didn't say I ain't heard of it. All I
asked was what's the plot? Excuse me for not being the world's biggest
Terry O'Quinn fan.

Mr. Skahill: Personally, it's only my favoritest show ever in teh
creation of television, like ever.

Mr. RSGAT: I like his early stuff. You know, Howard Hughes in 'The
Rocketeer', Darius Michaud in that 'X-Files episode', as that other
character in that other episode of The X-Files, F.B.I. Asst. Director
Kendall in 'Alias', but I thought he was best as Peter Watts in
'Millenium'. And when they killed Locke in Season four of LOST, I
thought it jumped the shark.

Mr. Mira: Hey, you guys are making me lose my... train of thought
here. I was saying something, what was it?

Vlad: Oh, Sun was the Korean girl in it... what was her character's
last name? Did that have to do with her being a candidate?

Mr. White: What's that?

Vlad: In one episode this season, Fake Locke takes Sawyer down into a
cave with all these names written on it. They're all the characters
from the show, all of whom were going to be candidates to replace the
protector of the Island, Jacob. Wrote them all down in this book.
Haven't seen it since that episode. What was that name?

Mr. Mira: What the frak was I talking about?

Mr. Leonardo: You said 'Felicity' was about a young fresh out of high
school girl, follows her high school crush to college to be near him,
and that 'LOST' was a metaphor for big dicks.

Mr. Mira: Lemme tell you what 'LOST' is about. It's all about these
losers who are regularly frakked by the writers, I'm talking morning,
day, night, afternoon, frak, frak,
frak, frak, frak, frak, frak, frak, frak.

Mr. RSGAT: How many fraks is that?

Mr. White: A lot.

Mr. Mira: Then one day they get popular. And everybody loves the show
but no one knows what's really going on. So then the writers are like,
how are we going to end this and they remember their boss, this JJ
Abrams motherfrakker who is like, whoa baby, I mean this cat is like
Flannery O'Connor writing 'The Third Policeman, he's digging them into
plotholes and twists like Charles Bronson in the Great Escape. Now,
the characters are gettin' the serious frak action and they're feeling
something they ain't felt since forever. Pain. Pain.

Vlad: Kwan? Toby Kwan?

Mr. Mira: It hurts them. It shouldn't hurt them, you know, their souls
should be Bubble Yum by now, but when these cats frak their main
characters it hurts. It hurts just like it did the first time. You see
the pain is reminding a fuck machine what it once was like to be a
virgin. Hence, 'LOST'.

But now, brother, what do we do that the end has come? Now that
LOST is off the air, what will we do with our Tuesday evenings without
a perplexing mind frak of television show to tell us what questions to
ponder? And they left us with so many more questions then they
answered? The numbers!!! What did the numbers mean??!?

Was it really just Vincent the dog's dream of being human while stuck
in the cargo hold of Oceanic Flight 815 during the turbulence?

And what of the spin-offs? "After LOST" with Hugo, Ben, the dude that
always played a principal in the '80's sitcoms, and Jamie Farr, airing
Friday nights. It's destined to be a hit. "Ford Miles" The buddy cop
show set in the alternate reality of this season where everyone's
favorite con man turns out to be a cop with his cynical Asian partner
who can talk to the dead. "LockHart" in which Terry O'Quinn's
faithfilled character Locke wakes up in a world where he spars with
Bob Newhart.

Whatever might begin to air on Tuesday nights, you can meet the PHH:
Survivors of LOST Viewing Support Group tonight at Red Rock Tavern,
365 Capitol Avenue, Hartford. Discuss your theories about the show and
what happened to every character you loved and loathed over curly
fries and Dharma beer. Watch out for smoke monsters.

See you in a another life, brother.
-Desmond Hume