PHH: The Greene Party

The Future of American Politics

As we march forward through the insane heat and humidity that is our oil-soaked, global-warming future climate, we notice that our Family Circus calendar is nearly flipping over to July, which means one thing: Canada Day! Wait...no, no, nononono. Forget that, eh? WHAT I MEANT WAS that the Fourth of Independence in July holiday weekend is almost here! What a great time to remember our Founding Fathers, since it seems nobody cares anymore what those slave-holding adulterers wanted. Luckily, in this, the year of the teabag, we have a sea of Patriots, seemingly crawling from the primordial ooze of the Gulf of American Oil Hurricanes wearing tri-corner hats to remind us, by shouting, of everything that THE FOUNDING FATHERS father-founded this country on. Specifically, that appears to be Jesus. And the Government keeping their grubby hands off our guns and money and Medicare. AND making sure the Government meddles in reproduction issues and the border. Basically, look at whatever Obama is doing right now, and that's the opposite of what the Founding Fathers wanted. It's right there, in the Constitution, the last copy of which was owned by the late Senator Robert Byrd along with every obscure, archaic Senate rule, and a fiddlin' album.

But now, fellow Progressive Happy Hour-ites, we must look to the future. To our new Founding Fathers. Founding Fathers like Alvin Greene. See, Alvin Greene won the South Carolina Democratic senate primary in a glorious landslide, despite not doing so much "campaigning" or "fund-raising" as he did "sit in his father's basement" the whole time. Alvin Greene, a man who was discharged mysteriously from the armed forces, did not have to lie about serving "during" or "in" Vietnam. You see, Alvin Greene won because of MIND CONTROL and his supernatural power of controlling voting machines. In a recent interview, Future Emperor of Earth Alvin Greene said "I am the best candidate for the United States Senate in South Carolina...and I am also the best person to be Time magazine’s Man of the Year.” Alvin Greene doesn't even know how right he is. Friends, we can make this happen...we MUST make this happen for our children, our children's children, and slackers everywhere. Alvin Greene will be
the new Robert Byrd.

So, in the spirit of 1776, come to the Alvin Greene satellite headquarters at the Red Rock Tavern tonight at 9:30 for Progressive Happy Hour. We will be showing our support for Alvin Greene's remarkable candidacy, not by rallying, or doing any robo-calling, or coming up with catchy campaign strategy or sloganeering, nor even licking any envelopes. No, we will be doing what he wants us to do: sit around, enjoy some beer and fries and wait. Wait for the miracle of democracy to just happen. It's what the Founding Fathers would have wanted.

--Thomas Paine