Can we all just agree that this iThing I have in my hand is just awesome? It's really quite remarkable. In fact, it revolutionized the world before I even showed it to you. My friends, this iThing... you don't even have to see it, you just think about something and it makes it happen. If we had released it only months ago, iThing would have predicted that BPGlobal's Halliburton produced Blowout Preventor would fail because they needed the spare battery in the preventor to power whatever archaic technology they have there. This would not have happened with iThing, which is powered by the sheer joy that holding one creates in the user interface. That's right; you power it. So remember to take all your vitamins and eat well like a true vegan and you will power iThing for a long, long time. How awesome is that? Right now, it is calculating how FUBAR the Gulf of Mexico is because iThing was not around to say, "hey, guys, iThink we might have a problem down there." In fact, if we had iThing before, we wouldn't even have needed to be drilling offshore driving. Because, my friends, and this is a real cool App, once you fully charge iThing, you can just place it in your new MobileMeMover. That's right, we've created the MacMobile. [sighs and whispers of "I think I can get one if I just cut back on this, and give this much blood... and...] Unlike other automobiles, this revolutionary vehicle is powered by all the methane you will produce from being a vegan to fit in with our Cult of Mac. It will be powered by your sense of worth that you have by knowing you own an intelligent design vehicle that operates as well as our OS. And, check this out, [pushes the car horn App]: "BOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGG!" [Audience goes wild with applause] That's right... we've got our own custimizable car horn.
Now, that's all good, but what else can iThing do to make you feel like you're the most important coolest person in the 'verse? Well, for that, I'm going to let iThing do it's thing with this new App we've put in. [Presses button; the ghostly figure of a man appears. It is the late Billy Mays in all his afterlife glory] Take it Billy.
That's right folks! It's me, Billy Mays, talking to you from my spiritual afterlife. How great it this?! iThing actually reaches past all planes of exisistence and allows you to communicate with the dead. Video calls are a thing of the past when you can actually communicate with the past! Folks, you have to have this! Act now, preorder it, and we'll even throw in this other great iThing App: iPlayThing. It's a special time offer. Tired of late nights hanging out by yourself because all your income goes into paying for the service for iThing? Well, then, let iThing be that special someone else in your life with iPlayThing!
[at this point, the internet crashes into oblivion as everyone tries to acquire the iThing and watch the gushing of the keynote speech]
So, folks what we're going to do tonight is absolutely radical. We're going to reenact the keynote speech about the iThing at Progressive Happy Hour. You're going to be able to drink pitchers of beer. Not just that, you're going to get curly fries. And better than any app, Gemma is going to be there in a black turtleneck.
Be there at 9:30pm at RRT on Capitol Avenue. Remember to leave now to stake your place in line.
-Steve - the man in black.
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