PHH: Don't Meet The Press
Some weeks, this email just seems to write itself; apparently that is how FOX News also works. They spin 3 wheels; one is now permanently stuck on President Obama, the other lists selects from a from 'War on Terror', 'Healthcare', 'Socialism', 'Race', 'Fascism', etc, while the other lists on suggests how to attack him. This week, they thought they had it all, so even the other mass media go in the action: first there was still the fallout from the "Underwear Bomber" (really?! That's like a rejected villain from a Mad Magazine strip). Apparently, according to like every Republican out there, there were NO terrorist attacks - not even successful ones - during President George W. Bush's watch. Nope. Not a one. For those of you that are screaming 9/11 at former Mayor Rudy "my middle name and slogan is 9/11" Giuliani, that was obviously a day best forgotten once Bush got out of office. (If anything, hopefully this means that they'll stop screaming it at their rallies... I mean, National Conventions). Nope, there wasn't some fella with a shoe bomb trying to blow up a plane during Bush's term (that happened in international skies, sorry, you lose TerrorBall!) Even the supposed 'lib'ral medee-ah' like CNN's Wolf Blitzer just let Rudy "I ran for President so you wouldn't forget 9/11" Guiliani get away with saying there weren't any domestic attacks under Bush. Clearly, Bush & Cheney were so crazy, like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon, that the terrorists were just scared away.
As if that weren't enough, good ol' white guy Sen. Harry Reid had to go and play the race card. Now, granted this appeared in a book and not on the video tubes. So the media actually read it for people who ain't goin' be buying that book, and have been repeating it adnauseum. That earthquake off the coast of California? That was actually caused by the impact of every democratic simultaneously hitting their heads against something when the 'news broke'. Now, I guess it is 'news' to some: prominent old white guy makes comments about the President's race and how it affected the election. I mean, no one has gone any where near that topic in the media! Y'know perhaps what we need is a new derogatory word for White People; honky, cracker, white trash, arsehole, prick, just aren't cutting it any more. Perhaps Santorum. Or Scatmuncher? Or we need to find something that really gets them...vas deferens! or Impacted Anal Sacks!
But, if that wasn't enough to be in the news cycle, FOX News went and the unthinkable: they hired former-Mayor-former-VP-candidate-Quitanor Sarah Palin to do the job that she went to all 5 of those colleges for: she's going to report/comment on things in her charming whimsical folksy way on the news channel that is fair and balanced. She reads all the papers & magazines, so we can rest assured, she will be truly informed to report on the news of the day. They even asked Twitter to help name her show! I'm voting for "Don't Meet the Press" after all, she's so much smarter than all of them that she never had to do a press conference on the campaign trail. I also think there should be a segment "Things I've seen from my house". Her investigative segment is going to be: "Who's Palin Nailin'" and when she gets them, she'll shout, "I nailed ya!" I've already called dibs on the segment "What you'll see later tonight on The Daily Show" And you know she'll be bringin' the top guns when she sits back in her chair, breathes in, tilts her head and asks, "In what respect, Charlie?" In fact, she'll get asked to reprise that line as her catch phrase on a sitcom. She'll pop in as the neighbor milf and that will be the line she says for big laughs. It will be the 21st Century's "Eat My Grits!", "Whatchu talkin' about, Willis?", "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!", and "Ward, don't you think you were a little hard on the Beaver?"
It's just a shame that she'll probably quit after a few seasons. But that's how she does it: quit while you're on top, leave 'em wanting more! She was just a small town girl from Alaska, now she's going to be on national tv!
Join us for tonight's editorial meeting about what is coming in the week in news and to select the next celebrity news anchor. The PHH editorial meeting is being held at the Red Rock Times NewsRoom, Kenney's old office in the backroom. Place your bets on how long Sarah will last before she quits at the poker table. Meeting starts at 9:30pm (after the Kino Kafé presentation of New Years Parade down the block at La Paloma Sabanera at 7pm). We'll be discussing pitchers of beer or pints to fuel the economy; do we want curly fonts or hashtag fries? Be there.
-Horatio Alger
Don't stop there... That's bat country!
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