PHH: The Gloves With the Gauntlets are Off! And Thrown Down!
*sigh* OK, we COULD sit here and wallow in the crapulence that is the complete choke-job of a campaign run in that commonwealth to the north, Cana-chusettes, to find out who will be the new Ted Kennedy. Pointing out that a drunk Anteater could win that race if given the Democratic nomination up there, it's easy to understand why that nice lady ran her campaign from a hammock in Cabo San Lucas. Now everyone thinks that she'll lose, despite this excellent political strategy. It's clear that everybody in Massachusetts, who were all forced to get gay-married against their will, obviously hate Obamacare, because they've all apparently decided at once to vote for a faceless mannequin in a pickup truck that nobody knows a thing about. Oh, John Quincy Adam's Liver on a Platter, Massachusetts! Stop being dumb and text "HAITI" to 90999 to cast your vote for the right lady Ted Kennedy ($10 per vote). I want my watered-down health law thingy that makes more people give money to the strengthened insurance companies at gunpoint! Ugh...I could go on about this crushingly depressing bonus senate race...but...but...
LATE NIGHT WAR!!! On the teevee!! zOMIGOD THIS IS LIKE CRACK COCAINE FOR COMEDY LOVERS. No, no, that's not right. It's like crack cocaine, covered in chocolate, wrapped in bacon and then deep fried and sprinkled with PCP. I can't get enough of Jay and Conan and Dave and Jimmy, and the other Jimmy and that odd Scottish fellow and Conan! Now, it's no secret that I hate hate hate anytime celebrity private-lives coverage goes berserkers and the stoopid Hollywood Access Extra Insider Entertainment gossip spills over to MSCNN like Anna Nicole or Tiger Woods or Milton Berle or whatever, but this is dirt about *professional* lives, so I can lap it up guilt-free, right??
Please?
This is a story where even Jimmy Kimmel can be turned relevant! Of course that only happened because he jumped on the right horse out of the gate, like we all did. Even "Fresh Air" on NPR is having a regular update. This "Mean People Insult Each Other At Night" show is a big boffo ratings boom (which means it's probably all fake), and it's one that Cyborg Jay Leno should well remember when he retakes "The Tonight Show" for the 5th time in 2063.
It's easy to make unfunny, old, denimy Jay Leno the villain here, but he's just being the network Toady, because that's what he's always been. No, the *true* evil entity here is the demanding specter of the NETWORK AFFILIATE LOCAL NEWS BROADCASTS. I mean...who still watches this dreck, and why aren't they as dead as newspapers? Here's what I'm guessing was on last night's local news: Holiday revelers, Suburban house fire, a Hartford shooting that makes everyone in the state be completely terrified of ever setting foot inside Hartford city limits, a household product recall that will scare you even more, really unnatural and unfunny anchor banter, incorrect or vague weather forecasts, and a wannabe SportsCenter anchor trying out awful catch-phrases on high school basketball games, a puff Mr. Food piece, and a dog that can roller skate. BOOORING! (except for the dog.) Local news: You're just delaying our consumption of topical jokes delivered in monologue form, Stupid Human Tricks, and celebrities pretending to be human and telling pre-arranged stories in order to plug their terrible movie or tv show. No wonder NBC tried to kill local news with Jay Leno's fleet of classic cars.
Come escape your 11:00 news tonight. Get all the scoops on anything and everything really going on in the local scene at the source...Progressive Happy Hour! At the Kenny Show Studio with the Red Rock Tavern Band, located at 369 Capitol Avenue in Hartford. The variety comedy block gets going at 9:30. If NBC knows what's good for them, they should keep Jay and Conan and give the 11:00 slot to our very own Donny, who happens to serve up the best pitchers of brew and curly fries east of Burbank. Get there early to celebrate the worst Senatorial election since Connecticut 2006, and the handing of the country back to the mouth-breathers. 2010!
--Steve Allen
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