PHH: And the winner is...
The end of an era came upon this plane on Sunday evening; not even a horde of geeks and fanboys at their computers, nor the most overrated, highest grossing 3D effects could help save their king.
"And, 'Lo, James Cameron, ruler of the fictional worlds of cinema since 1997, came upon this earth. For it was he who bestowed on us the last son of action movies, Ahnold, for it was he who gave us the kick-ass-ness of Aliens, for it was he who made Leonardo diCaprio a household name, and most importantly, gave us our first glimpses of a nekkid Kate Winslet... He was crowned 'King of the World' in 1998 at the one ceremony that rules them all."
Man: Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the gaffers and best boys. By hanging on to outdated imperialist scripts which perpetuates clichés as well as lowered expectations of our cinematic audiences.
Woman: King of the who?
King James: King of the World.
Woman: Who are the World?
King James: Well, we all are. We are the World. And I am your king.
Woman: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis: You're foolin' yourself! We're living in a dictatorship. A
self-perpetuating autocracy of elitists who vote for their friends to
be nominated, sometimes tossing scraps to smaller movies, in which the
working class...
Woman: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
Dennis: Well, that's what it's all about! If only people would start
using their hard earned money to see quality art house films...
King James: Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Where is the
Kodak Theatre?
Woman: No one lives there.
Dennis: I told you, we're an artistic-syndicalist non-profit
collective. We take it in turns to be a sort of executive producer for
the week...
King James: Yes...
Dennis: ...but all the decisions of that producer have to be ratified
at a special bi-weekly production meeting...
King James: Yes I see...
Dennis: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...
King James: Cut!
Dennis: ...but by a two thirds majority in the case of...
King James: CUT! I order you to WRAP IT UP!
Woman: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
King James: I am your king.
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you.
King James: Only members of the academy get to vote for kings of the world.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays... ]
King James: The Lady of LaBrea, her arm clad in the purest shimmering
samite held aloft Oscar from the bosom of the LaBrea tar pits,
signifying by divine providence and overwhelming votes of the secret
academy that I, James, was to carry OSCAR! And I shouted, "I am King
of the World", a catchphrase from my film. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in oil ponds
distributin' awards is no basis for a system of moviemaking. Supreme
executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some
farcical aquatic ceremony. Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme
executive power just because some oily tart threw an award at you. Oh
but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened
bint lobbed a gold dildo at me, they'd put me away.
King James: Bloody peasant!
Dennis: Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh?
That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him,
Didn't you?
And 'lo, not wanting to endure an onslaught of 3D movies with stale recycled stories and tropes, the voters of the academy (who we don't get to vote for, by the way, bloody elitists) chose to dethrone the self-proclaimed King of the World and instead award his former queen, Dame Lady Kathryn Bigelow as the new Queen! and her small independent film, the Hurt Locker as the small film that could.
So get your best designer Oscar Prom outfit on and get to the Red Rock Theater of the Absurd for the Governators' Balls of Oscar Meyer Fury! The red carpet fashion show starts at 9:30pm. You don't have to be a winner or nominated to party with us. Cajun fries on the house. Pitchers of Naughty Nurses to heal your losing heart. Just goes to show you, sure you might be the most popular movie in the world, but that doesn't buy awards.
Just ask George Lukas.
-Best Boy Gaffer
(with apologies & respect to Monty Python)
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