Oooo. Lookie what I got in the communist weekday-only mail yesterday, it's Bacharach H Obama's Socialist National NCAA basketball bracket, where we all buy in $20 for the chance to win free health care for 2 months (or a year's subscription to Sports Illustrated, our choice). We are forced to do this, just like the Tim Burton's Tea Party said we would! But that 41 seat Republican majority finally struck a deal on health care which is now based on our own skill at picking basketball upsets, and all profits raised goes right to the Chinese and Yao Ming, for health care. If you lose, you get to go to Michelle Bachman's Internment Camps. Let's get started!!
"If you need help completing this form, call 1-866-872-6868" blah blah blah. Haha! This is gonna be easy! Think of all the losers out there who need help filling out their bracket we're competing against. Think they can use a phone?? Haw haw. Oh, my gout and rheumatism are as good as cured at this point. OK...#1 seed: "How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010?" Uh...that's weird. Helllllo?? I thought this was called *MARCH* Madness!? The answer is "Kansas." I'll just fill that in...
#3: "Is this house, apartment, or mobile home --" Mobile home? Hm. I don't see "West Virginia" as one of the choices. So I should just write it in with a Sharpie? Yeah, I'll do that. W-E-S... oh yeah...I'm nailing this one. So, there are no real brackets, but opening this booklet shows the different regions, I guess. Let's keep going...
"Is this person of Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin?" Um. I think that's the New Mexico game. I like them over Montana. Ah, "Yes, Mexican American" Check that box. At least that made sense. "What is this person's race?" Stupid Congress. THIS IS NOT A RACE, IT IS BASKETBALL. Idiots, all of them. Um...whoa! "Black, African Am., or Negro." Negro??? Ohhhh, that must be Harry Reid's question. I'll just fill in "UNLV" here, and the other boxes are still listing ethnicities, sooooo: "Notre Dame Fighting Irish." Can't pick against them around St. Paddie's Day, amiright?? Now we've always gotta make sure to pick a #5 seed to get upset by a #12...well, Temple is a #5 and I don't see any questions about being Jewish, so I'll go with Cornell there, even though they're from the Ivy League like so many of those fancy-pants cocktail-partying Librul Media Elite Gotcha Medias. Should've put Alaska State-Wasilla up against those nancies, and they would've gotten a real beat-down.
OK...almost done. I think I did this right, but as long as I circle "Syracuse" as my pick to win it all, since they do wear the color of John Boehner's skin, which is the same hue as the crispy curly fries that the fine folks at the Red Rock Tavern serve up. Mmm. Fries and pitchers of delicious beer. I've got an idea: Come join me to watch two welfare teams, the #64 play #65 for the championship of government handouts at Progressive Happy Hour. 9:30, tonight, and approximately every 10 years at Kenny's. 369 Capitol Ave. in Hartford. It'll be awesome, bay-bee!
--Dick Vitale
