Well, did everyone do it? You know, when the market plunged and every stock in the world was completely worthless for about 8 minutes last week? We all bought all the Google and IBM and Proctor & Gamble and Sham-WOW stocks when they were just cold sitting there at 95% off prices, right? It was like a friggin massive blue-light special, only with money! Now we're gazillionaires all of us, thanks to the magic casino of Wall Street, despite not having any products to manufacture or jobs. This was the behind-the-scenes work of a crafty PHH operative who found a way to force Conan O'Brien to follow his twitters and dropped a big ol' Fail Whale on the CitiGroup Stock Market computer abacus. Either that, or he just typed 'billion' instead of 'million.' Because same difference, right? HAHA, now that we know all of capitalism might be able to be felled with a typo, this will NEVER happen again.
With the term "Flash Crash" being coined and sounding way too sexy-like, imma instead reveal the secret FREE TRADE AGREEMENT the US has obviously signed with Europe to exploit the stock market money machines. Why just look how similar America and Europe are becoming:
1) Wacky post-election drama! Britain has adopted our electoral system of ridiculously confusing and drawn out election results where we don't know who the winner is for months. Dan Rather has escaped with truckloads of fine silver and linens from 10 Downey.
2) Plunging currency! Oh, Europe was getting pretty jealous watching the US currency continue to weaken to infinity. Why not have the Euro join the fun? Just pay no attention to that horde of rioting Greeks over there. They're so excitable!
3) Bailouts for everyone! They all decided to save their system by throwing...tell me if this sounds familiar... $ONE TRILLION DOLLARS$ bailout at the problem, even though they actually use Euros to pay for things in France or Bulgaria or wherever, duh. In exchange for this great idea that propped up world markets everywhere, The US dollar will be renamed the "Amero."
4) The success of that Icelandic volcano, [mash fist on keyboard]. This new attraction at Euro-Disney ride gave all of Europe a chance to experience the thrill of sitting in an airport for a week and learn how to pronounce the fake Iceland language that Bjork made up to laugh at tv news people. It was so successful, we Colonists said "shee-oot. Hows about we hire *British Petroleum* to put a dang oil volcano right here in *our* ocean?" TADA! NOW WE HAVE AN OCEAN MADE OF MONEY. SUCK IT, OPEC, we are moving to Beverly Hills, no drilling necessary. Oil Volcano!
Come celebrate our new-found prosperity at Progressive Happy Hour. In our flourishing 21st century of wealth, we will replace those stupid cold glaciers with sparkling seas of crude...we will replace the pitchers of beer with plates of fries. Luckily, the plates of fries become pitchers of beer! Donny and Gemma are STILL THEMSELVES, only now they have monocles and top hats. The gala begins tonight at 9:30 pm at stately Red Rock Manor at Kenny's Estates on Capitol Avenue. Just follow the streets paved in gold.
--Gordon Gekko
